Let The Adventure Begin!

Hello there!

We have LOTS to talk about, you and me. 

Let's start at the beginning... 

In 2011 I was blessed to marry a godly, kindhearted man (enter Keith). Having kids (yes - more than one of course!) was always in our plan. We both are drawn to children and have definitely always felt like we were created to be parents. I was so eager to get going on that baby train. My girl friends were popping them out left and right and I couldn't wait to join in on the fun. After our first year of marriage came and went we decided to give it a go. The thought of having trouble conceiving never even entered my mind.

A year of trying to get pregnant passed by heart-achingly slow. And then it happened - a positive pregnancy test! Keith and I had 5 glorious days of dreaming about our new baby. That dream quickly shattered into a million pieces when I miscarried less than a week later. I could write a whole post about that day and that season of life, and I hope to in the future. For now, I'll just say that I could not handle it on my own & my loving, gracious heavenly Father knew that. I felt the Holy Spirit's presence that day in a way I never had before. With supernatural strength from the Lord, my unwavering rock of a husband, and my sweet, sweet friends, I was able to heal and keep going. 

That will have been 4 years ago this August. There have been no pregnancies since. There has just been the trying and the waiting. We thought we'd get pregnant again pretty quickly after we miscarried (because science says so). But time came and went. Birthdays, holidays, seasons... They all passed in a bit of a gray haze. My friends now had so many babies they were outnumbered. I wanted to be able to look at their abundant families and feel joy for their blessings, but instead my heart was bitter and broken. At one point I decided to go the OBGYN and see what she had to say. (In case you're unaware, miscarriages are so common that they will not push for any further testing for infertility until you've had THREE CONSECUTIVE MISCARRIAGES in a row. So, if you have two miscarriages and then a baby, but then two more miscarriages... you still haven't had three in a row. This baffles me. They really want you to hit rock bottom before they'll check it out. Sheesh!) Since I didn't have any obvious issues, the first test she recommended was a pretty heavy duty one to cover all the bases. I went home nauseous about the dollar signs I was seeing. And this was just the first test... how many more tests would there be? 

My Big Worry: What if we spend all this time and money on testing and then find out we are infertile and need to adopt to have children? 

All our resources would be gone. All our time would be wasted. Selfishly I worried- would I be able to withstand the heartache through all of the testing? We quickly realized we were at a fork in the road. Fertility testing OR adoption? We had money and we had time - but which option should we use our resources for? We had no clue. What we did know: it was time to pray. 

So we prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And prayed. Our friends prayed. Our family prayed. Our church prayed. Strangers even prayed! No answer came. Just a call to wait. Every once in a while one of us would feel passionately about one option or the other, but at the same time the other person was feeling the opposite or indifferent. We were never on the same page. It was beyond frustrating. My mama heart was dying. I felt like I was being beaten up day after day. I just wanted my baby and I didn't care how.

We bought a house and 2016 began to come to a close. Another year without a baby, a new home without a baby, and the start of new year of waiting in confusion. On a Friday night near the end of November, we attended our Living Community (Church) like we usually do. As we began to worship, a song about surrender was played. I sang along not taking it much to heart, honestly, but then a dear friend of mine spoke up. She said she felt the Lord telling her there were people present that needed to do just that - surrender. Give up what you were holding on to, whatever you were choosing to cling to instead of Christ. My heart broke. I knew instantly that's what I was doing. I was idolizing being a mother, I was giving all of my energy and efforts to my struggle and none to the Lord. I was not finding my fulfillment in Him and therefore I was consumed by my emptiness and sorrow. So, I confessed. I broke down and shared with the group that I felt God urging me to let it go; to give my burden to Him, receive His peace, and start getting back on track to a life where He is my main focus. We finished up the song and began to move on with church. But God wasn't done speaking to me yet. My friend spoke up once again and said she felt the Holy Spirit urging us to break into pairs and pray for the things we had talked about surrendering. She came to me instantly and we walked into the other room to pray. My mental state at this point was a little weary to say the least. God had just rocked my boat quite a bit, I had made a huge step in surrendering my desires and I was ready to start a new season of solely pursuing Him. What I was about to learn was:

Sometimes God is asking you to FULLY surrender so you're available to FULLY receive.

My friend (Gabi) began to pray. And God wasted ZERO time. She began to pray over me what she felt the Lord was saying- to see the bigger picture. To let go of my story so I could see His. 

I honestly am not even sure how to put what happened next into words. It was like a movie began to play in my mind. God started off by showing me a picture of my husband as a teenager. He reminded me of my husband's story of how the Lord told him when he was young that he was going to change the world. (Keith has never understood what God meant by that or how the heck he was supposed to change the world. That's quite the undertaking!) Then it was like God drew a line to the next picture. This time it was of me and Keith in mexico. (We went on mission trips to MX three times with an organization called Back2Back. They serve the orphan child by partnering with orphanages all over the world. We felt so passionate about orphan ministry that we actually pursued becoming missionaries and moving to mexico. When that didn't work out, we were so confused as to why not. Now I know what God was doing.) Back2Back's slogan became emblazoned in big, bold letters in my mind- BE THE CHANGE FOR ONE. This is what God meant when He told 16 year old Keith he was going to change the world. He was going to change the world for one. And this is the seed He was planting in us as He grew our passion for orphan ministry. 

To say my heartbeat had picked up a few notches would be quite the understatement. This is what I had been waiting for! This was it! God was finally telling me He wanted us to adopt! Then I was jolted out of my mental movie and realized Gabi was still fervently praying. Wait, I had my answer, why was she still praying?? I reigned in my excitement and focused back on her prayer. She was urging me to open my eyes even wider, that God had even more up His sleeve for our story. His picture was way bigger than I was giving Him credit for. And then boom - another image popped into my mind. This time God allowed me to see the many, many faces (some recognizable, some not) of people that would be affected by our story, yes, but also by our child's story. The testimony of adoption is full of powerful truth and in that moment I knew that if I could give up the story I had written for myself (one of pregnancy and childbirth and pale-skinned, little redheads) I could partake in the magnificence of the story He was weaving for my family. 

UMMM, YEA. SOLD! 

That life changing prayer came to a close and I sat there in awe. I had never been more confident in anything. God wanted us to adopt...

Now to go tell my husband. 

The room was full of people milling about, having conversations. I found Keith and sat down next to him, my stomach filled to the brim with nervous butterflies. How would he react? What if he wasn't feeling the same? Why did God not tell both of us at the same time? 

"So... God just told me we are supposed to adopt," I blurted, barely able to look him in the eyes. 

"... Okay. I've been thinking about wanting to all week," He responded.

My man is a man of few words, but also someone who never speaks before thinking. Big decisions take him time to process. So I knew the fact that he was instantly ready to say yes was a BIG DEAL. We were all in. The wait was over. 

And now here we are! We waited until after the holidays to get started and have been taking slow steps towards our new goal ever since. Things are in full swing now and I'll have a new post up soon explaining what all that entails. 

If you're still here, first off - THANK YOU. You're a trooper. Secondly, please leave a comment letting me know you came and conquered the longest blog post to ever exist. 

I'll be back soon with more about where we are in the adoption journey as of now. 

Please continue to pray for Baby Richter and check back soon for another post! 

Mama To Be, 

Jessi